I even went to sleep early lastnight
yet I still woke up at three and for the past hour or so
I've just been trying to get back to sleep
just sitting here missing what I'm losing
gotta get back into the mind frame that I'm moving forward
not backwards. It feels backwards but I know it's forward
because God has been growing me in it
from the being able to express my anger to Him
to expressing my hurt to Him
to putting myself in surroundings that are actually healthy for me
and every part of my flesh is just craving the old deadly nicotine
gotta resist
my flesh whispers into my ear "just text her tell her you miss her"
and it's a battle it's one I've lost so many times in the past
and every time things started out from there very good
and went straight to hell FAST
I don't have that kind of time to waste anymore
I never really did
but for some reason I feel like wasting it
and I know
I know that God is here
right now
I know He hasn't left me
I know He hasn't walked out on me
even when I feel like backing out
I know I've been charged with carrying a cross
and that means there will be suffering
there will be pain
and Christ was there before me
He understands
He knows what I means to have to set the boundaries
and say I won't be involved with that
even though I love them
in all these feelings
I decided to simply
spend time in the word
I came across this
Psalm 37:23 A man’s steps are established by the Lord,
and He takes pleasure in his way. Though he falls,
he will not be overwhelmed,because the Lord holds his hand.
The steps of moving forward are not flesh steps
these are steps established by God
and He takes pleasure in the fact that I'm finally just saying
OKAY!
He holds my hand through this and even in times
of waking up at 3am missing what I had
i'm not overwhelmed
I'm in a valley and God is holding my hand
I can only see where I'm going when I focus on Him
it's a painful road, but when I think about
the fact that I know that at the end of this road
is going to be something incredible
a new land that He will show me
I want to persevere
when I go running
I set a goal
it's not always a mile
lately it hasn't been
since I stopped running for a while
but I make sure not to stop running when I get tired of running
I push myself to go just a little further I set a finish line
"I tell myself two more blocks you can make it
don't quit now!"
and when I was going 1 mile
When I got tired I would remember that I could run that mile
I would push myself
"you're almost home man you can see the finish line don't give up."
With God we can't always show the finish line
With God He says come with me
to a finish line that I will show you,
but I do feel Him more and more
through the love of my friends
through His word
and through the ways He has been growing me
encouraging me saying
"Don't give up! Persevere!"
He's not just cheering me on, He's running with me, and He is fueling me to run!
"So I'm gonna endure in You
because I know that this race is
so difficult and I know I can't run it
if I aint got You on the very inside of me
without Your word in my heart
I am so anorexic
a tree with no fruit about to get chopped down
oh Father wont You let Your word penetrate my heart
before the marathon starts!"
-Goodnight Saturday
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