Not there yet, but making effort to get there

As some of you have seen through my many blog posts

I've been living the journey of allowing God to teach me things,

and growing in a relationship with Him and the others around me.

I must say that I am very blessed with amazing friends

who encourage me when I'm going through hard times

and who treasure me. I feel like my friends have been 

more like a family to me. I'm very thankful for them.

I'm also blessed to be apart of the Revelation Youth Group

that God has placed me as the worship leader in. You guys

help me grow so much, and I want you to know that

I don't look at you as just students, but also friends. 

You are a huge part of my life!

Well as my journey has gone on I've had times of feeling like

I'm climbing a mountain with broken arms, and times

of feeling like things are pretty easy.

More times of the broken arm feeling though lol.

My last blog post was about some things that were getting to me,

and I want to thank Josh Ramos for being so encouraging 

today. THANKS BRO!

Well today I came across something in Philippians that 

really encouraged me. As a man who is striving to mature in Christ

first off I see my goal

Philippians 3:10 My goal is to know Him(Christ) and the power of His resurrection and the fellowship of His sufferings, being conformed to His death

though this is Paul's writing I believe we as Christians share this Goal 

and I find encouragement in this next statement

Philippians 3:¹² Not that I have already reached the goal or am already fully mature, but I make every effort to take hold of it because I also have been taken hold of by Christ Jesus. ¹³ Brothers, I do not consider myself to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and reaching forward to what is ahead, ¹⁴ I pursue as my goal the prize promised by God’s heavenly  call in Christ Jesus. 

My encouragement here comes from the fact that I know I'm not fully mature in Christ either,

but I can make the effort, and I am making the effort

I can imagine Paul having some of those same feelings I had the other day

Wondering if he was reaching anybody at times

not all the time, but sometimes. 

As I said in my video blog

the same God that strengthened and encouraged Paul

is with Me doing the same for me

I'm starting to see that more and more

God treasures me and calls me to treasure myself as His child

He wouldn't give me these gifts if not for His glory

So even when I FEEL like I'm not reaching anyone and the old

immaturity kicks in, I can remember what I know

I can remember that God is using me

Forgetting the things I left behind to move forward

I want to continue moving forward to what is ahead

and what is ahead is much more amazing

A land that He will show me 

I hope this has been encouraging to my readers

1st video blog :)

My brain is going crazy/ warped generation

okay this will be a two part blog

part one
Lately I've been trying to record music and it just hasn't been going well for me
my minds been stressing out and I'm just not comfortable lately
School just kicked up and I've been stressing on the condition of my band
I went to a concert recently and with my band not practicing
I wondered to myself . .
in the condition this band is in right now will we ever make it here
and I just kept telling myself no

i've been really discouraged when it comes to music lately

I haven't stopped trying just lately i've just been discouraged
like some days I wonder if even my own friends have bought the CD
I wonder if it's actually good
I wonder if I'm the only one who listens to Goodnight Saturday

I wonder if we will ever get another gig here
I do a lot of wondering about the current Goodnight Saturday situation
and when it comes to leading worship

I wonder if I'm leading people in worship
or if I'm leading them in song singing sometimes

not I actually think that can be a healthy wonder

I really don't want to ever even with GNS being more on the Christian "Pop" genre
I don't want to ever just be leading people in song singing

I wonder if I'm reaching anybody
I wonder these things lately

it's another one of those things where I know the plans God has for me are good for me
because they bring Him glory, but right now things just seem so grim
for both bands and I really need wisdom on what to do
because I am the leader of both bands

(le sigh)

Part 2
okay so I was reading Philippians 2 today and I got hit with this part

¹⁴ Do everything without grumbling and arguing, ¹⁵ so that you may be blameless and pure,children of God who are faultless in a crooked and perverted generation, among whom you shine like stars in the world. ¹⁶ Hold firmly to the message of life. Then I can boast in the day of Christ that I didn’t run or labor for nothing. 

When I read the part about the crooked and perverted generation something hit me

what hit me, you ask?

the fact that a perverted generation is not a new thing!

a generation of grumblers and complainers who complain and grumble about

what they do and don't deserve is nothing new

a generation of people who delight in sin is nothing new

whose minds are desensitized. This stuff isn't new

has it gotten worse? Maybe! However it isn't new.

We are not up against a generation that God can't handle!

We are not up against anything that God can't use us in!

I find strength and courage in this because I know that God is for me!

I know that He won't forsake me and even when I am afraid to speak about Him

I know that I can. 

all of this is nothing new

I want to be like Christ even among the generation I live among

and I want to start fires because of it

I want the flame of Christ, not the flame of religion, to burn from the inside out

of me and because of that flame I want others to catch fire with me

I don't want ordinary living

I want extraordinary living

ordinary living has become warped

I want to live a life that isn't warped among a warped generation

Pray

This morning after my run I decided to hit up Phillipians
cuz I just finished up Ephesians and well . . it was next :P

God hit me with a couple of things this morning
that kind of convicted me about my prayer life
lately I haven't been praying a ton
I have prayed when I see people are going through something on facebook
and I pray for myself, but I don't just pray for my friends or my church
or my pastor often

I mean I pray for you guys, but not often

When I read chapter 1 this morning I came across this

vrs3 I give thanks to my God for every remembrance of you, 4 always praying
with joy for all of you in my every prayer, 5 because of you partnership in the gospel
from the first day until now.

When I read that I immediately thought
"God how often do I give thanks for my brothers and sisters in Christ?"

I know the answer obviously
but I want to do this more often now

I think that we all should
I think it's vital that we not only thank God for the people
He's placed in our lives, but that we also pray for them
and encourage them

verse 6 I am sure of this that He who started a good work
 in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus

that kind of encouragement
it encourages me that since God has pointed this out to me
it's something He plans to work on in me

Just as He's pointed out things in the past
that He has worked on
things that He is working on

So there was conviction and comfort
Just like a loving God to point out what's wrong in love
and begin working on it as I trust Him

Love and bumbs

I remember where I was when I first started this blog
December 11 2011

It's crazy to see how God has grown me in just a little over 8 months
into what I am to

learning to understand that a relationship with God is just that
that I'm free to have feelings of anger and hurt toward Him
and I'm free to express those feelings to Him, so that He can heal them

Learning to be patient, and wait on Him to show up and do crazy things
learning that no matter how grim things look
for those who are called to His purpose and love Him
He makes all things work together for good Romans 8:28

that has been my life verse for a long time

but I think that my heart is just now

really starting to get it

love goes beyond obedience

obedience can come out of fear

and God doesn't just want us to fear Him

as if He is some crazy tyrant on a power trip

God desires for us to love Him

to truly love Him like He loves us

and not only does He desire that,

but He empowers us to do that

in the weakness of our flesh there's no way that we could love God,

but in the power of His love we are able to

it's so mysterious it's insane

let me tell you

there are shows that I used to watch,

that made fun of God, back when I was early in my walk

that I can't even watch episodes that don't make fun of Him anymore

not because I'm an extremist, but simply because

I love my God and I don't want people to talk crap about Him

DAS MY DADDY 

YOU DONT TALK ABOUT MY DADDY LIKE THAT

and honestly back then 

when I really didn't get it

I laughed 

i thought these things were funny

now days I see they hurt Gods heart

because God desires the maker of those shows heart

incredible thought

but I know He does

even here in the past few weeks

it's been an uphill climb and there are days

when my arms get weak 

and my body feels heavier than ever,

but God doesn't stop cheering me on

and He doesn't stop climbing with me

When I slide down a little bit

He doesn't just throw me a rope

He either catches me

or comes down to meet me and we get to climbing again

and honestly on days when I just want to slide down

He lets me

He allows me to suffer those consequences

and that's love

Love allows consequences to be felt

He's  rescued me from  sin and shame

I'm headed to heaven, 

but He does let me feel some bumps on the way

God is not a tyrant

Maybe there was a part of me that was always 

kind of fearful that He might be

all I ever really knew growing up was tyrannical people in my family

but God shows me more and more each day

that's not Him

After Gods Own Heart

many of us know that David was not a perfect person
in fact he did some things that maybe we'd look at him
and seriously throw some harsh
pharasitic <--- like that word it's like parasite and Pharisee
judgement his way

but God describes David as a man after his own heart

reading psalms this morning I'm in Psalm 30
and I came across something

Psalm 30:7 Lord, when You showed Your favor, You made me stand
like a strong mountain; when You hid Your face,
I was terrified
8 Lord, I called to You;
I sought favor from my Lord

I'm going to stop there for a moment
and ask that we reflect on what is going on here.

Reflection time over

When I read this I realize that David knows when God is near

and He also knows when God has hidden his face

When God is near David feels invincible

When God has hidden his face David is terrified

Woah!

But wait there's more

CALL NOW AND

anyways when David couldn't feel God near anymore

he didn't just sit there and sulk about it

it says in verse 8 that David called to God

and sought favor from God

I see a friendship here between God and David

a true relationship 

David began to feel that He and God were not so close anymore

and sought God out

When he felt that He and God weren't close anymore

he was terrified

and look David was a King

he's probably got good "Friends" around

and a whole bunch of warriors to guard him and whatnot

But he wanted God

without God

David, a King, was terrified

and he cried out to God

He sought out closeness with God

continuing on

Verse 9

What gain is there in my death, in my descending to the Pit?

Will the dust praise You? Will it proclaim Your truth?

10 Lord, listen and be gracious to me;

Lord, be my helper

11 You turned my lament into dancing

You removed my sackcloth and clothed me with gladness

so that I can sing to You and not be silent

Lord my God, I will praise You forever

Lord, listen and be gracious to me;

Lord, be my helper!

I don't know what David was going through in this moment

but even though He didn't feel God's closeness 

He knew that He had a closeness with God

to be able to say that as a friend to God

and God didn't hold himself away from David

He in fact showed up

Turned davids mourning into dancing

His sorrow was turned into Joy

and David couldn't shut up about it lol

A man after Gods own heart

knows that the relationship between God and man

is just that

A relationship

it is a friendship

God is Lord of all, yet desires friendship with us

now He has boundaries and He won't be involved with us

when we are walking around in sin, but that doesn't mean

that He doesn't desire our friendship

just means He's not a walking matt ;)

Lately the relationship between God and I has been growing

Having conversations like this one that David had with God

I've expressed anger and hurt

I've been brought to joy by His presence and His blessings

the empire is being built

and is making progress 

there were so many set backs this year

and Honestly this is the first time I feel like

I'm really getting somewhere

I'm learning to love me

in a way that I just haven't been able to

learning to let go of all my excuses to not love me

learning to let go of any out to search for love in places that are bad

and learning to treasure my own heart because of Gods great love

and the love of my close friends

I'm becoming more able to love

without fail

it's crazy. . .

I even went to sleep early lastnight

yet I still woke up at three and for the past hour or so

I've just been trying to get back to sleep

just sitting here missing what I'm losing

gotta get back into the mind frame that I'm moving forward

not backwards. It feels backwards but I know it's forward

because God has been growing me in it

from the being able to express my anger to Him

to expressing my hurt to Him

to putting myself in surroundings that are actually healthy for me

and every part of my flesh is just craving the old deadly nicotine 

gotta resist

my flesh whispers into my ear "just text her tell her you miss her"

and it's a battle it's one I've lost so many times in the past

and every time things started out from there very good

and went straight to hell FAST

I don't have that kind of time to waste anymore

I never really did

but for some reason I feel like wasting it

and I know

I know that God is here

right now

I know He hasn't left me

I know He hasn't walked out on me

even when I feel like backing out

I know I've been charged with carrying a cross

and that means there will be suffering

there will be pain

and Christ was there before me

He understands

He knows what I means to have to set the boundaries

and say I won't be involved with that

even though I love them 

in all these feelings

I decided to simply 

spend time in the word

I came across this

Psalm 37:23 A man’s steps are established by the Lord,

and He takes pleasure in his way. Though he falls,

he will not be overwhelmed,because the Lord holds his hand. 

The steps of moving forward are not flesh steps

these are steps established by God 

and He takes pleasure in the fact that I'm finally just saying

OKAY! 

He holds my hand through this and even in times

of waking up at 3am missing what I had

i'm not overwhelmed 

I'm in a valley and God is holding my hand

I can only see where I'm going when I focus on Him

it's a painful road, but when I think about

the fact that I know that at the end of this road

is going to be something incredible

a new land that He will show me

I want to persevere

when I go running

I set a goal

it's not always a mile

lately it hasn't been

since I stopped running for a while

but I make sure not to stop running when I get tired of running

I push myself to go just a little further I set a finish line

"I tell myself two more blocks you can make it

don't quit now!"

and when I was going 1 mile

When I got tired I would remember that I could run that mile

I would push myself 

"you're almost home man you can see the finish line don't give up."

With God we can't always show the finish line

With God He says come with me

to a finish line that I will show you,

but I do feel Him more and more

through the love of my friends

through His word

and through the ways He has been growing me

encouraging me saying

"Don't give up! Persevere!"

He's not just cheering me on, He's running with me, and He is fueling me to run!

"So I'm gonna endure in You 

because I know that this race is

so difficult and I know I can't run it

if I aint got You on the very inside of me

without Your word in my heart 

I am so anorexic

a tree with no fruit about to get chopped down

oh Father wont You let Your word penetrate my heart

before the marathon starts!"

-Goodnight Saturday

Roots

This morning(Just now) spending time in the word
I came across a verse that spoke to me
much differently than it has in the past
well actually a whole part of a chapter of Ephesians

chapter 3:¹⁴ For this reason I kneel before the Father, ¹⁵ from whom every family in heaven and on earth derives its name. ¹⁶ I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, ¹⁷ so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, ¹⁸ may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, ¹⁹ and to know this love that surpasses knowledge —that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.

maybe I never really payed attention to it 
or maybe I'm just starting to see how much community is a necessity 
in the body of Christ, but when I read this I read it as a communal statement
a communal prayer for us

that we be rooted and established in love
I don't think that means just with Christ, but I think it means
with His people too

He prays that we not be alone by ourselves
not that we have no roots outside of people
Because honestly we always have Christ,
but that we be communal in order to build each other up in love
to laugh, to comfort, to hold accountable, and just be there for each other

to love each other
we all need to be in friendships like that
so that we can see Christ through those friendships

I'm learning this as I learn to put myself into positions
where I am with friends who are healthy for me to be around
I've been in very many unhealthy friendships in the past
and clung to them with all of my might

just recently have I began to actually let go of them
and place my roots into what has been healthy all along

and if you're like me 
sometimes digging your roots in can be very difficult
very scary cause you're used to that familiar
back and forth of the unhealthy, but we have to remember
that what God has for us, though it may be scary, is best for us.

it's like getting up and going to a new land

that He will show us

the new land was never a worse land than where Abram started off

it was always a better land 

Abram just had to be willing to move away from the old familiar

When God's people are together, when we pray together, when we laugh together,

when we love on each other, hold each other accountable, and are just there for each other

THERE'S POWER!

There's crazy insane power!

Power of healing.

Healing wounds that sometimes we didn't even know we had!

It's incredible and through the love we share

we begin more and more to grasp how wide, long, high, and deep God's love is

Immeasurable

yet graspable

and apart from a relationship with Christ 

and His people we don't understand it,

but when we submit to God 

and become communal and see God love through 

His people

we begin to get it

and we get filled

so long of allowing myself to be on empty every now and then

I mean I had moments where I'd be filled

but so often I'd run from what was good

so that I could keep familiar

can't say that I'll never mess up that way again,

but I can say that I'm starting to not want the familiar

because I'm starting to see the true beauty of the best

not to be confused with the beauty of the beast :D

GET ROOTED!

surgery

when God performs it
you don't get t go under
it hurts

this is what i'm learning.
not angry so much after having let all that out
now just hurt
realizing that I bit off more than I could chew asking God to fix me. . .

good thing I don't have to chew this alone

I have much support from the families that He's placed in my life
much comfort from His word
and peace from His spirit

"it feels like chaos, but somehow there's peace." -sanctus real

I don't know what the future holds
and  that is a huge part of those moments of anger
those
"God how can I do without this", or those "God why would you put this on me"
moments

but I know His plans aren't to harm me
no matter how much they HURT right now

it's better to have a bad tooth painfully pulled
than to let it get to the point where it ruins everything else and actually harms you

sigh

thinking today . .
how much do I really pray for me
I don't think I pray for me enough

I don't think I pray for my future enough

my future spouse
my future children
my career

I don't pray for these things much. . .

I need to do this

angry

i've come to the conclusion that I've reached
one of those points in life
where I'm just angry with God

the past few weeks have been emotionally
exhausting on me
and I'm trying to grow from it
but I'm having such a hard time grasping why this is all happening

I'm having a hard time bringing myself to get up
to go to church on sunday mornings
I don't even want to lately
I just want to stay home

not that I want nothing to do with God
just right now I want answers . . . .
answers to questions only He can answer

I don't need people to lecture me so if you are reading this
and are thinking "oh he needs a good stern talking to"
it'd probably be in our bests interests if you just stayed away from me

remember I said I'm angry with God I do not hate Him
I just don't like His choices for my life at the moment
if you haven't been here yet . .
someday you will

and part of me doesn't understand

right when I'm trying to grow 

maybe it's me resisting growth

maybe it's my heart being angry 

because for YEARS i've asked him to rip people out of my life

and He waits until I get so close to them years later

to finally start to do that

He waits until it would be super painful to rip people out of my life

and yeah I know He works things out for good

but right now . . . 

right now . . . 

man I just don't see it

I don't want my anger to drive me into dark places

I don't want to be angry with God

I don't like it at all

I don't like feeling like I don't want to go to church

I don't like feeling like what is going on right now isn't good for me

i've treated things that were horrible for me

as if they were good for me for so long

praying that God would rip them out

and now that I'm so comfortable

with the horrible that He's ripping out

I feel deep down on the inside

the need to rebel

maybe right now I just miss what was

and am having a really hard time trusting

that what was wasn't the best 

it felt good at times

but most of the time what was

was just plain terrible

it had me in darker places than I am now

much darker places

and for some reason

I wake up at 3am many nights

wishing things could've been different

wishing that I could've saved what was

that I could've made what was better . . . 

part of me misses

what is bad for me

God is ripping that out of my life

and it hurts  . . .

it hurts like hell

I'm angry

I'm hurting

but I don't wanna do anything stupid

I need prayer!

Bring my hopes back to You

So this past year has been a very steep uphill climb
from throwing my hope into relationships and gambling all my feelings away
to bringing things to light in my life for the sake of God growing me and replacing
bad with holy

In all this one of the biggest things that has stood out to me is that
I have had a really rough run this year when it comes to throwing hope
into relationships. Unhealthy relationships at that.
I've "fallen in love" and been hurt massively twice
in the end after looking back at it all I was simply lonely
and wanted somewhere to place hope of not being lonely

not in a I want friends lonely type of way
but in a I want a girlfriend
I want a wife type of way

in this loneliness I decided that I would deter from God's plan on my life
and go seek out relationships. . . .
I put a lot of stock in that
and I do mean a lot!

both times led to promises of forever
and to satisfy my heart what we called forever just simply wasn't enough

It began to damage me spiritually and emotionally
I felt crippled and all because I felt lonely and decided to
go run down dead end streets instead of into the arms of Christ

As i read scripture today I was reminded
that my hope should never be put in humans, but instead in God

Psalm 146:3-5 Do not trust in nobles, in man, who cannot save. When his breath leaves him, he returns to the ground; on that day his plans die. Happy is the one whose help is the God of Jacob, whose hope is in the Lord his God

not even in the noblest of people should I place my hope
because even if we were together for a long time
eventually . . . that person is gonna die
and if my hope was in that person then when they die
my hope dies with them

If i put all my stock into a person 
it doesn't matter how good of a person that person is
when they die I'm suddenly poor!

The stock market has crashed!

And that's only if the friendship/relationship makes it that far
We could get into an argument and simply never talk again

putting our hope for true life into a human being 
is not good for us because it's not a solid place to put our hope
HOWEVER

Christ is eternal and He never fails us
He is always drawing us near to Him and always there to comfort us in sadness
He is always there to be with us in loneliness
and ultimately HE RESCUES US FROM THE PITS OF HELL
that we are SO DESERVING OF!

this is the friend who doesn't abandon us over an argument
but instead waits for our return and loves us even in His waiting
When we return to Him and confess that we were wrong and need Him 
He is faithful and Just to forgive and cleanse us from all unrighteousness
and He doesn't just stop there.
Guilt and shame get to leave too :D
He lifts us up again

I know because He is lifting me up

now this isn't a 2 minute process
Christ begins picking us up and we hold on to Him
but through the picking up He comforts us and heals us

So after it all
I remember my calling 
I remember that I'm not living to hope in people
but living with hope in Christ and living to bring hope in Christ to people

I made a mess and I know that God is going to make beauty out of this mess
through correction and healing and lifting me up to rise above it all

Romans 8:28 and we know that God makes all things work together for the good of those 
who love Him and are called to His purpose

even our messes!
He makes them into beauty!

and my only crime was being black

we finally talked tonight

things got off to a good start

i was hoping we could resolve things

she told me that the reason she couldn't be with me

was that her family wouldn't accept her being with a black person

that broke my heart, surprised me, and infuriated me

simply because I know it really isn't what she wants

and i don't want to lose her

6 years . . . 6 years of friendship and close calls

and the truth behind it all is "Vincent you're black."

Tonight I found out just how secure I really am in Christ

and I'm proud to say that I'm okay

I'm not hurting about this anymore

it broke my heart for a little bit, but I don't feel the need to be white

so that I can be with a girl who wants to be with me, but just wont

because she wants to impress her family

she says she doesn't have much family left

and what she has she doesn't want to lose

I understand the want not to lose family

but if your family would walk out on you

over the color of your husbands skin 

then they don't love you

they just love having a puppet

She has so many other people

people who love on her

people who have taken her in like family

and she's going to settle somewhere down the road for some other guy

simply because he's white and not black

i feel sorry for her

I feel very sorry for her

days like today

I think about you to much
I sit here in silence wanting to be somewhere else
so that I can be to busy to think about you

I really need to occupy my mind with something else
Not that I'm focused on you
I just think about you
and it's really hard

6 years
6 years of standing with you when the world stood against you
6 years of holding you up when you felt like falling
6 years of being a walking matt for you

and for some reason . . it hurts that we don't talk anymore
I shouldn't hurt over this I should be glad

but I'm not
and I do hurt

I know God has better for me,
but it doesn't always feel that way
todays not one of those days where it feels that way
todays one of those days where I just wish you'd say something

where I wish I could forget your number
where I wish I could forget you ever existed
where I wish I never knew you

yeah todays one of those days