angry

i've come to the conclusion that I've reached
one of those points in life
where I'm just angry with God

the past few weeks have been emotionally
exhausting on me
and I'm trying to grow from it
but I'm having such a hard time grasping why this is all happening

I'm having a hard time bringing myself to get up
to go to church on sunday mornings
I don't even want to lately
I just want to stay home

not that I want nothing to do with God
just right now I want answers . . . .
answers to questions only He can answer

I don't need people to lecture me so if you are reading this
and are thinking "oh he needs a good stern talking to"
it'd probably be in our bests interests if you just stayed away from me

remember I said I'm angry with God I do not hate Him
I just don't like His choices for my life at the moment
if you haven't been here yet . .
someday you will

and part of me doesn't understand

right when I'm trying to grow 

maybe it's me resisting growth

maybe it's my heart being angry 

because for YEARS i've asked him to rip people out of my life

and He waits until I get so close to them years later

to finally start to do that

He waits until it would be super painful to rip people out of my life

and yeah I know He works things out for good

but right now . . . 

right now . . . 

man I just don't see it

I don't want my anger to drive me into dark places

I don't want to be angry with God

I don't like it at all

I don't like feeling like I don't want to go to church

I don't like feeling like what is going on right now isn't good for me

i've treated things that were horrible for me

as if they were good for me for so long

praying that God would rip them out

and now that I'm so comfortable

with the horrible that He's ripping out

I feel deep down on the inside

the need to rebel

maybe right now I just miss what was

and am having a really hard time trusting

that what was wasn't the best 

it felt good at times

but most of the time what was

was just plain terrible

it had me in darker places than I am now

much darker places

and for some reason

I wake up at 3am many nights

wishing things could've been different

wishing that I could've saved what was

that I could've made what was better . . . 

part of me misses

what is bad for me

God is ripping that out of my life

and it hurts  . . .

it hurts like hell

I'm angry

I'm hurting

but I don't wanna do anything stupid

I need prayer!