I'm deciding to lose count :)

today was an amazing day
seriously an amazing day

Spent a lot of time with my family and got the album to iTunes
got a lot to look forward to also
Got the gig at the prison God has blessed me with
spent some good time with my bro

I'm starting to build my friendships
spreading myself out more and i'm starting to recognize my support
the support I get from my white family (the cash ramos clan) and from my bro nick
and even in my blood family I'm starting to see it

I'm also a lot more focused
I know that people are out there praying for me
and I just want to say thank you so much

God is working in my life in an incredible way
He always was and now that my focus is going toward Him
I'm starting to really see it
I'm starting to see where God was working in all those rough days
to bring me to a point of trusting in Him and not in me
to bring me to a point of loving what He has blessed me with

I'm still learning but I'm finding so much encouragement now
being in the word daily and spending time with people

had another somebody has to do something might as well be me moment

ask me about it and i'll tell ya

:)

day 45: Evaluation

well
after a little bit over a month of this journey
I feel that I haven't made a huge leap of progress
Going into this i was very stoked
Figured I'd beast mode through it all
but all I managed to do this first month was realize
all the things about me that bother me

don't get me wrong
I don't see this as a bad thing
it's not that I didn't have an empire in the first place
it's that I'm realizing that I have to destroy what's been built
so that I can restart from the bottom

build correctly on the solid foundation of Christ
instead of having places of my life in sinking sand

I'm too independant
and too dependant
I allow myself to get stressed out
I struggle to set boundaries
I wrestle with caring enough to share the gospel
I struggle with anger in crazy ways
and much more

and my prayer through this and I hope that you are praying along with me
is that God would change these things from struggles and wrestlings
to Victories in His name

that I wouldn't be set on focusing on God for a few months,
but that I would be set on revolving around God for life

it all starts with being in the word and applying it to my life

Matthew 7:24-27 Therefore everyone who hears these words of mine and puts them into practice is like a wise man who built his house on the rock. ²⁵ The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house; yet it did not fall, because it had its foundation on the rock. ²⁶ But everyone who hears these words of mine and does not put them into practice is like a foolish man who built his house on sand. ²⁷ The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house, and it fell with a great crash.

Day 43: Building

it's crazy . . .2 days ago I was definitely hurting
Yesterday was a rough day but lastnight was a gamechanger
All the loneliness I felt seemed to melt away
while hanging out with the Cash-Ramos-te3zii clan
even knowing that I was going back to an empty home posed no problem

I wasn't lonely anymore
and I thought to my self . .
I have got to start hanging out more often

this morning on my run I went to my friend Nick's house
and just kinda sat there and chilled with him for a while
and it brought me great joy

it's crazy how much blessing we miss out on in isolation
I mean solitary confinement isn't exactly something good
ever

needless to say
it's a better day today
much better

I feel revived
and back in the game
I feel like I've had a lot of moments in my empire
where things just didn't go right and somewhere along the line
I felt hopeless
and then I saw a light
and now I'm back to building

God has really given me peace in this

it's been a hard pill to swallow

but I know God is using this to make me better

I'm going to hold on to that

even if I don't feel it

I know it

when the answers and the truth take different sides

I still want to see You Lord through all the smoke

day 41: rough

One of my last blog posts talked about how I know God has plans for me
plans that wont harm me but that will provide a future
plans that may hurt me
not harm me
but hurt me

I can honestly say that tonight has sent me into a rough place
a place where I'm crying literal tears and wondering how this can be good for me
I know it is good, but I feel like it's tearing me apart

I spoke of a girl recently one who things were going good with
well the truth is that things weren't really going al that good
I wanted to believe that they were going good, but honestly
when I look deep down into things. . . they were pretty terrible

Most days i'd leave the gym feeling like a champion
only to be let down by her

yeah we had spiritual conversations and we had small moments
moments that were incredible!
moments that made me so happy!

but most of the moments were me being let down
and today . . .
today I just couldn't take it anymore
I cracked

I said words that I shouldn't have said
I didn't call her names
but the words I used to describe my feelings
were words I thought I'd left behind . . .

I felt like I was moving forward the past week in many places
but the honesty of it is that right now the both of us are stumbling blocks for one another

it sucks when you realize that kinda thing
cause you don't want to lose someone, but I have to grow
so I have to let her go
and honestly it gets really lonely here
and when it gets lonely my mind doesn't revert to
call up your homeboys lately
my mind reverts to call her . . .

idk what's going on with me
i don't like it

I don't like it at all

I'm trying to stay focused on God

I'm scared that i've lost her for good
and for some reason my mind, but not my heart right now
knows that God either has a better her for a better me
or a better me for a better woman

I just wish I felt that way right now, but I don't
I feel

heartbroken
alone
scared

things right now are just rough...

Day 35: Desire of my heart?

Hmm
if I delight myself in the Lord He will give me
the desires of my heart. . .
If I trust in Him, He will do that
He will make my righteous reward shine like the dawn
and my justification like the noonday sun

what happened to me. . .
somewhere along the way I stopped chasing God's heart
I got distracted and started chasing other things
Straight into a tunnel, but down the wrong end
and I'm in need of a turn around

I have identified the problem.
The problem is where I have put my trust in

My prayer is that as I turn around, that I would remember
that when prodigals come home God, being a loving father,
takes us back. I may not have been a prodigal on the outside,
but on the inside I've been worried about things that don't matter
I've been focused on things that just leave me empty

the desire of my heart is to be where God wants me to be
spiritually, financially, physically, and any other ally :P

Gotta return home in spirit
Returning home in spirit

Day 34: I could use some love

today has been a pretty good day
I'm wondering right now where all this began
where my fall happened
when I fell from where I was and how it happened

I remember back then I read a proverb a day
and was in the word daily
every morning
there were people that I had put out of my life

now days I struggle to be in God's word
and there are people that I had let back in my life
that right now just make things hard

I felt so free
but here lately I feel trapped

like I really have nobody these days
I don't have my family . . . .
they have NEVER been there for me

I feel . . in a way . . .
left behind

by people not by God
and I don't know  . . . i feel like
I could use some comfort . . . .
I could use someone whose gonna listen. . . .
I could use some counsel . . . . .

in that order
I could use some love...

Day 33: A complete joy?

James 1:2-4
Consider it a great joy, my brothers, whenever you experience various trials, KNOWING that the testing of your faith produces endurance, BUT endurance must do its COMPLETE work, so that you may be mature and complete, lacking nothing.

when I read that 1st thought is . . man I have some growing up to do, because many times when going through hard stuff I don't consider it a joy, and I don't think of it as something that's going to produce endurance. This scripture says KNOWING that the testing of your faith produces endurance. Let me be honest many times here lately i haven't consider harsh moments of my life a joy. I haven't thought about the fact that they bring about endurance when I stay faithful through these times. Lately I'll go as far as to say I've allowed myself to slip into depression. I noticed this a few days ago and have taken steps to move forward, but this scripture is convicting, yet encouraging.

Convicting because it shows me that I have been going about things the wrong way, and encouraging because of the reassurance that even when things are happening that are rough God is still working with me through these things. If I continue to be faithful to Him and stand upon His word and ENDURE I will only become a stronger man of God.

God's word doesn't just tell us what's bad for us
God's word tells us his heart for us
and His heart isn't for us just to be good
but for us to be Holy
and the awesome part is that He works on us when we trust Him

My big prayer and honestly prayer request
. . .

I miss my old warrior spirit
I don't know what happened
I let things creep into my life and suddenly it was gone

Some days I feel like a Sampson with no hair
Please be in prayer for me
because I'm taking steps to move forward
and there are days
when at the middle of the day
I feel like a champ
and then at the end of the night
I feel depressed
and I don't like this
I don't like it at all

Pray for me to show up!

Day 32: Plans not to harm

For the longest time I've known that God had been calling me
to pull away from certain people in my life who are right now a distraction
and for the longest time I ignored that call
for the longest time I justified my ignoring of the call

saying things like
"God wouldn't call me to abandon people."
"That can't be the voice of God maybe that's just me being selfish."

but honestly it's been God all this time
how do I know
because the pain that came with ignoring the voice
the lack of growth that came with ignoring the voice
and the abundance of harm that came with ignoring the voice

I tried to talk myself into thinking it would be alright
but it's not
it's not okay at all

it's like trying to move forward

with an anchor in the ground

it just doesn't work...

God says that He has plans not to harm us,

but instead plans for us to prosper and give us a future

. . . .

well I know what harm feels like now

Harm kinda feels like the plans I have for me . . .

let's see what this whole prosperity thing is about

the plans that God has for me

tonight I made a step in the right direction

not to the side 

not back

but forward

and it hurts like hell because sometimes

in the kingdom of God

moving forward means

letting go of something precious

And sometimes it's hard to believe that there really is better out there

but even when it's hard to believe . . .

gotta go for it anyway

and hey

somewhere out there in the future

there's a better me too

Romans 8:28

For we know God makes all things work together

for the good of those who love Him and are called to His purpose

. . My prayer . . 

is that I can love God more

with my life

Day 29:PAY ATTENTION!!!!

Alert (Adjective) 

fully aware and attentive, wide awake, keen

1 Corinthians 16: 13 Be alert, stand firm in the faith, act like a man, and be strong

Hmmmm

let's take a moment to look at that word alert . . . 

and really think about it

PAY ATTENTION!!!!!

God calls us to pay attention to the things going on around and in us.

Outside of us are spiritual battles every day that are being fought 

among our brothers and sisters in Christ and this world.

Battle that can not be won alone and as the body of Christ

we need to be attentive to this 

we also need to be attentive to the fact that there are lost souls

souls that we often just ignore

as if the great commission doesn't even exist

I don't think we alway intentionally miss these things

I do think we have a huge tendency to put our attention to all the wrong things

to be focused on things that really don't matter in the end

we overlook what needs to be seen

as we walk around with our eyes shut 

God calls us to wake up

and pay attention

God open my eyes and keep my focus on You

keep my heart and mind from straying from You

to chase things that don't matter

Keep me alert to the things of You

Day 26: try to hard

It's something I do....
I don't like it. I give people way to much credit, and it's something I really have to change. Something that I've been trying to change. It's really hard to actually go and look for help. I want to pull myself out of this cause it really isn't fun for me. It actually really hurts me. Being the one who tries for people who don't.

Flag in the ground

No mas!

that being said I'm going to really need to tap into my support group
I know who they are I just have such a hard time admitting that I'm not doing so well these days
As much as I know what I need and as much as me wants to get what I need
A huge part of me struggles to hold on to control.

i feel like i've been moving backwards again . . .
I need a serious push to hold on to my land
I keep asking myself when I'm going to show up
this first month has been a roller coaster

no lie.

While i'm striving to move forward I've made moves forward
then i get my head wrapped up in the wrong things
and it's just not healthy

I wish every scar every wound everything that has been wrong with me all my life
could just be healed in a quick fix
but I don't think that's what God is calling me to. . . .

Day 22: Quick self evaluation

Today I realized something .  . . . .
3 months will not be enough
I don't know how long all this is going to take
24 years of things to set before the feet of God
6 years of distractions to get rid of

I know God does huge things, but putting three months as a time limit on what God
is gonna do in me is kinda silly. So from here on I'm just going to wait on God by waiting on God
ya know like a waiter at a restaurant. While God moves in my life no matter how long it takes
I'm going to continue to do what He wants me to do here. Serve Him and make disciples. Make His name known. The beginning of this was about me being ready for a relationship, but setting that on my mind just made things so much harder. That thought process in itself . . is an extreme distraction, but I'm longing to just be more of a man of God. That's what I'm truly longing for.

Recently I was given a huge opportunity one that I have one more day to think about
at this point I feel like this particular thing is NOT a distraction, but a moving forward
into something beautiful. Still praying . . . I guess you could say maybe I'm pulling a Gideon
on this one, but I want to be sure that this is God moving and not me just wanting to jump on a train
that's going to hurt me and others.

Be in prayer for me on this decision
it's a huge deal . . .
a huge deal  . . .

if you want to know
just ask

Day 21:Heroes and Hypocrites

a thought for the day
just something real quick. . . .

Often times we think to ourselves before we share the gospel with someone
a thought so silly as . .

"well who am I to tell that person about Jesus"

i just really thought about this thought and ya know what
that's a crazy thought to have

lets think about it

how often do we tell people about other things that really dont matter to us
how often do we tell people about the cool new movie we just saw
or the new video game we played that was awesome
or ladies where you got them new heels on that crazy sale at that one place

I mean think about it
we tell people about things all the time
so why do we run from this conversation into a corner of
"who am I to say something"

as children of God and ambassadors of Christ
it is our mission to tell others about Him

maybe we are afraid we will look like hypocrites
because of things that we used to do
or maybe things that we know that we do now
if it's things we know we do now
we must fight against those things in our lives
and we will find victory against those things in Christ

not just victory over the sin but also the guilt of the sin

and if it's what we used to do
we must stand up in boldness and in the comfort of His promise
that He has changed us from those things
so that we may bring Him glory
and we must speak of Him

instead of worrying about being hypocrites
we should seek to be the heroes who take a stand
to be the ones who have that awkward conversation
that the rest of the world tries to avoid

to be the apples
in a world full of oranges

Heroes not Hypocrites

day 19: Evaluate

This morning I hit up 1st corinthians 11 again
it was my second time this week honestly the first time
I just was so distracted that I couldn't get it

been rough getting in the word the past few days also
not that I just havent been in
it's just been rough

ya know that song by Lecrae called "Praying for You"
yeah that's how I feel the past week
My journey got off to a good start
and I've hit a few road blocks here and there
I really have

!BUT I'M NOT GIVING UP!

There's something amazing on the other side of all of this

and it's counting on me to pull through

If you are on your own journey

and things aren't looking too swell right now

I encourage you PRAY PRAY PRAY

and don't stop

don't give up

even if you take a few steps backwards

We loose are way sometimes

but we must find it again and continue

continue down the right path

on to something beautiful

even if that path leads us through the valley of the shadow of death

remember whose rod as staff comfort us

God's and aint nobody about to mess wit Him

So in my reading this morning I was hit with this 

1 Corinthians 11: ³¹ If we were properly evaluating ourselves, we would not be judged, ³² but when we are judged, we are disciplined by the Lord, so that we may not be condemned with the world.

and I want to look at a few things from this

First of all the wording when Paul says "Properly evaluating"

think about that for a moment

if we were properly evaluating

now this clearly means that the people he is writing to actually were evaluating themselves

just not properly

They were looking at themselves and saying that things were okay

knowing that Paul is an ambassador of Christ 

it would seem that he is realizing that these evaluations

are not based upon God's truth,

but instead mans opinion

and how often do we look at our lives

and settle for wordly evaluation

not really worrying about what God says is good

settling for what man says is good

and when we do this

something is still missing

we still live with that feeling of something isn't rightness

He continues to say that we wouldn't be judged if we would evaluate ourselves

correctly(based upon Gods word) 

God delights in those who 1 meditate on His word day and night

and 2 apply His word to their lives

He delights in our obedience 

and when we Repent He is happy with us

however when we settle for less that what God calls us to

and we begin to put God's word off and just do our own thing

God does allow things to come into our lives and slap us around a little bit

and when we decide to be away from Him then we go through these things

without Him

Not because He has abandoned us,

but because we walked away

Now lets look at that last part :)

When God lets these things happen

He does it to discipline us 

so that we wont be condemned with the world

He does this in love

so that we come back to Him

and back into His ways

now yes we have the choice to do that or not,

but He really does give us the option

and He makes it very clear

When we are His children

and we start living for ourselves

or for this world

!!!!BAD THINGS HAPPEN!!!!

and the whole time God is calling us back to His side

Ready to take us back

If we confess our sins He is faithful and just to forgive and cleanse us

from all unrighteousness!

He isn't holding a grudge

but instead calling us back to Him

in Love

and yes He is allowing

hurtful things to step in and show us that yeah we need Him

LIKE ANY LOVING PARENT WOULD DO!

God has boundaries

He doesn't play the whole

Give me that candy bar even though I've been really bad

 or I'm going to cry and embarrass you 

in this store game -_-

But He loves us anyway :-)

He loves us enough to give us what we NEED!!

over what we WANT!