Ah depression old friend, how you come to find me in the strangest moments.
Have I made a difference? Am I going anywhere? Is everything going to be alright? These are the questions that are haunting me today and really messing with my head.
I have dreams. They are big dreams, and sometimes I forget about the journey. It's not easy knowing that many will skip the journey that I've been on for years to accomplish some of my dreams and sometimes that sense of envy gets to me and I forget all of the blessings that I've seen on this journey and all of the lives God has allowed me to touch on this journey.
At some point in life, I looked out and said "By the time I'm _ _ years old, I will have led worship at a student life camp or something." I've passed that age... and I have yet to live that dream. It usually doesn't bother me because I'm usually basking in the glory of what God has allowed me to do so far. To be clear basking in how glorious He is and how He has allowed this stuff, but lately... lately I just feel like I'm going nowhere. Like I'm just sitting here, and maybe that's because I like to be busy and sometimes forget how to rest. How to just be still. I dunno.
I don't even know, at this point, if those dreams are even in God's will for my life and I'm trying so hard to just be like "Okay ya know what, Vincent, God has got this. Just till the field, delight yourself in the Lord, and commit your ways to Him." But today it is just a hard day. I'm in a bit of a funk and maybe it won't last long. Heck could last for a few hours, but i know that I'm not the only one that goes through these kinds of things. Where it all just seems like... it's for nothing.
It's a battle and here's the funny thing. I've been working with our youth more lately and it seems that God is using me very well here. Night of Worship 2 is coming up and the planning is going good and it even seems that He is creating a team for future Night of Worship Panama Citys. Like I can see that God has me doing things and plans to do a great work through me, but my mind is stuck on this one thing that I wanted to do and I'm at war with me. I work at a school in a class full of kindergartners that literally tell me they love me before I leave work and know that if they never see love from another man that I do love them and I believe that He uses that too. I got our youth together to plan a night for the church and it seems to be going well and I can see that He's going to use that too. Again He's allowing me to do all of these things that don't exhaust me and bring glory to Him but today my mind won't walk away from this one thing for a little bit to just focus.
Looks like I'm going to have to take a page out of Furtick's book and "Crash the Chatterbox."
I've got depressing thoughts in my head today, but I cannot allow them to win. Maybe they are all my thoughts, and maybe they are a mixture of thoughts of my good dreams mixed with lies from hell to stop me in my tracks of all of the good that I have going on now. But I have to focus...
But for now...
I will be still and know that He is God
I will rest in the truths of who He says I am
Despite accomplishments
I will rest in the truths of who He says I am
Despite accomplishments
I will rest in Him knowing that even in the war of the mind
He is victorious
He is victorious
