During the Marithon

Psalm 25:17 My awful worries keep growing.

   Rescue me from sadness.

18 See my troubles and misery

   and forgive my sins.

      That's pretty much where I am right now. Going through rough times in my home, and dealing with the pains that come with pulling myself away from people that I care about, but aren't good for me. This has been a very rough week, and just when things started to look up they dropped right back down to the ground. Today I've felt like a shell. I've felt like the life has been sucked out of me. I've been angry, hurt, and broken hearted. I've felt hopeless, though I know that I have hope in Christ.

    

 I'm in a marathon and I feel like I've hit runners wall.

but I must endure

if I don't endure through this I wont grow

and I won't move on to the next marathon

James 1:2 Consider it a great joy, my brothers, whenever you experience various trials, 3 knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance. 4 But endurance must do its complete work, so that you may be mature and complete, lacking nothing.

     God is using this week to test my faith, and I must admit I've had some mess ups, but I have to decide right here and now to make it through this. To stand on His word, and to live in His promises of victory. Knowing that whether I have little or a lot, I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength. Philippians 4 tells me that, and that's God's word. God has never failed me in the past, even with all of the times that I've failed Him. He still doesn't abandon me!

I'll make it through this, because the one in me has overcome the world.

Keep me in prayer
I will really need it.

The Benefits Of Suffering: It's not all about me!

God made him who had no sin to be sin for us, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God. 2 Corinthians 5:21 take it in for a moment think about that There was no sin in Christ He was pure, blameless, and perfect in every way! Yet He became sin itself, so that we could become like Him, the righteousness of God Reading Philippians tonight, something hit me In chapter three. Paul states what his goal is or what he wants out of life.      Paul's goal was to Know Christ, to know the power of God that raised Him from the dead, and to share in the fellowship of Christ's sufferings. I've never, in my many times reading Philippians, actually had this stand out to me, but when I think about what Paul is saying, I come to the conclusion that Paul simply wanted to live as Christ lived.

     Jesus didn't just live a cozy life. There was suffering to be had for Him. He went into the wilderness for forty days without food, and during that time was tempted by Satan. He was betrayed by a man who He poured His life out into for a very long time. He was rejected by His hometown, and eventually He was branded a criminal and was crucified!

     But He didn't stay in the grave. He overcame death and through His sufferings we, humanity, reap the benefits! He became sin so that we could be called righteous. There was a debt that was way to big for us to pay, and He paid it with His earthly life. When God raised Him from the grave, He came forth bringing salvation, and freedom from the sin that was defeated. He brought forth healing for broken hearts. Through the sufferings of Christ, those who accept Him reap great benefits, so when I see what Paul's goal in life is I realize that Paul wasn't living an "It's all about me." lifestyle, but instead He was looking to live as Jesus did.

    Jesus was God in the flesh, yet suffered on our behalf. I can imagine there were times when He was annoyed with people, but didn't sin. Through the sufferings of Christ we not only gain eternal life, but we also gain abundant life here on Earth. We have an example of how to live out abundant life, and abundant life is not an "It's all about me." lifestyle. An abundant life has it's sufferings, and many times we don't get to reap the benefits of our sufferings if we aren't remembering who Christ is. If we are focused on ourselves we get big headed thinking it's all about us.

We begin to think we deserve not to suffer.

We say "Why should I suffer?!"

We get angry, and say things like

"When is God gonna give me a break!?"

I must say 

I am humbled at Pauls goal for His life

and pray that God teach me this everyday

that my goal is to live as Christ did

to join in His sufferings

because it is not about me

Why should I suffer? I don't know exactly why all the time,

but I know that God makes all things work together for the good of those who love Him

and are called to His purpose

I usually focus on the loving Him part, and I do love Him, but I want to focus

on the called to His purpose

As children of God we are called to a purpose

and that purpose is to make disciples of all nations

baptizing them in the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit

teaching them to obey everything that He has commanded

Matthew 28:19-20

If that is our purpose and God makes things work out for our good

then our sufferings, when we trust God through them, work out to accomplish 

the mission that God has set before us

It's not about me

I gave my life away!

How could it be about me!?

Knowing Freedom (Abusive relationships)

After 24 years of a life of being one to jump into parasitic relationships,
I just want to say I'm feeling freedom for the first time, and it feels great!

A huge part of knowing this freedom
was understanding why I was in bondage in the first place. I spent the majority of my life growing up with abusive parasitic women. Whether it was my mom or my sister. I was emotionally, mentally, and sometimes physically abused by my mother, and was physically abused by my sister.

During times of physical abuse by my sister I was taught not to fight back. She would begin to antagonize and hit me as my parents stood by and did nothing until I fought back. Once I began to fight back my dad would usually break the fight up, and I would feel like I was wrong for defending or standing up for myself. This mentality stuck with me for a very long time. I felt like I had to live in a way that would keep them happy. That way I didn't get punished.

Eventually bad things happened and my mom ended up being out of the picture for a while. During this time I was left living with my dad and my sister. My sister, still very abusive to me at the time, would look for reasons to fight with me. My dad would still do the same thing. There were actual times where I had called my dad crying about the things my sister was doing, and he wouldn't stand up for me, so I basically felt like I couldn't stand up for myself and that nobody was willing to stand up for me.

Seeing as the types of women that I knew were abusive women when I began dating
those are the types of women I dated. It's been that way since I was 16 years old. With very few
exceptions. I felt trapped.

Even after having given my life to Christ,
this was still a part of me that hadn't been completely given up!
As time went on I did meet many women who were not like my mom or my sister
or the women that I've dated in the past. I've met many women who are stable, but
by the time that I began to realize that stable women existed all that I ever knew
or thought that I was capable of ever being with was abusive women.

This has really played a huge roll in most of the depression that I was facing
in the past six years. Eventually I ended up letting someone into my life
who really took the abuse to the next level. They would play mind games with me
,emotionally abuse me, and cry every time I tried to leave. When I left they would be really
sweet to me for a time, and the moment they knew that I was back in it was a complete change.
I just didn't know how to say no, and it made me miserable. I didn't know how to fight it. To be honest
there was a huge part of me that hated myself.

I would spend countless nights crying out to God to make the pain go away just to turn around the next day and jump right into the pain. I would kick and scream and fuss at God, but in all honesty I never really reached the hand of my heart out to take His hand. I was putting the responsibility for the fact that I was allowing myself to be used and played with on God.

About six months ago I picked up a book called "Boundaries".
When I began to read it I realized how hard of a pill this book would be to swallow.
This book told me that I was responsible for my life and what I do with it, but I wasn't responsible
for other peoples lives. All this time I'd been living to make sure not to hurt feelings, and not to lose people. I was living so much for other people that I had forgotten one simple thing. IT IS FOR FREEDOM THAT I HAVE BEEN SET FREE! All of the blaming God that I was doing was pointless. God set me free, and what I do with my freedom is my choice. If, with my freedom, I choose to live in bondage that is my choice, but Jesus came so that I might have life and have it abundant John 10:10!

I'd been believing so many lies due to holding onto the hurt of my childhood. Believing the lies of Satan himself. I believed lies that I wasn't treasurable, I believed lies that I couldn't be worthy of a good woman, and I believed lies that I'd be wrong to walk out on the people who abuse me. I believed so many more lies that God used this book to shed light onto. The enemy had me messed up! I was bamboozled! I was hoodwinked!

My friends would try to talk me out of these relationships, but I'd always give excuses because I felt like I could be the hero and change the person. I felt like I could rescue them from being who my mom is or from being who my sister is. I would say that I see the good in the person, and I'd feel like I was wrong for leaving anytime that I left. I knew I was in an abusive relationship, but I was treating like it was okay to be there.

This book pointed me back to my past. All of the things I spoke about earlier in this post and helped me realize that the past that hurt me so much really needed to be dealt with on the inside of me. I really needed to acknowledge that I was brought up incorrectly and get help fast.

It wasn't until a bad argument broke out between the girl and I that I really pursued help. In fact, I hadn't actually finished the book until then. I began really making it a point to spend time with my true friends. People who poured out into me as I poured out into them. People who are like family to me. This was the kind of help that I truly needed. People who weren't abusive to me. The more time I spent with my friends the more I felt treasured. The more time I spent reading the Bible during this time and since then, the more I realize that God treasures me. The more that I realize that I am treasured by God and by my brothers and sisters in Christ, the more I'm starting to treasure myself. Treasuring myself is new to me, so since then I have had my share of mistakes, and just like anybody there will be more to come, but I'm learning to be more careful with my pearls
and this is how I know.

Recently, after the big argument she and I had, she text me. She suddenly wanted to be friends again. I'm certain that she wanted this due to her circumstances of realizing that the other guys in her life were not good guys, but even with that in mind I allowed her back onto the property of my heart. This lasted a week. It started of all nice, sweet, and flirtatious as usual. Two weeks went by and suddenly the abusive side began to come out again and I began to see that side that just doesn't treasure me, so I let her know that we wont be talking unless we talk in person about what bothers me about her, and if from there things don't change as much as it will hurt to let someone who I poured so much into go I'm prepared to let her go.

I realize now that I'm treasurable.
I have amazing friends, and I'm loved by God Himself.
I'm starting to understand what God meant when He said
"I know both how to have a little, and I know how to have a lot. In any and all circumstances I have learned the secret of being content whether well fed or hungry, whether in abundance or in need. I am able to do all things through Him who strengthens me." Philippians 4:12-13

Even on the days when my great friends can't be there for me, 
I still am treasured by God, and I'm still being taught by Him to treasure myself. 

He is my rock and my Salvation!
I no longer have to live in bondage of abusive relationships :)

#winning

if I may be transparent for a moment

So right now I'm more angry than i've been
in a long time
MY body is shaking with adrenaline
and I really want to punch someone in the face
someone in particular

repeatedly
so instead I'll blog about the situation

about an hour ago my sister called me to take out the trash
in any other case I would usually do it, though I don't use it
but this morning I simply replied with "you're closer."

Her response was "but you're the only boy."

so I told her that being a guy has
nothing to do with taking out the trash

it wasn't going to hurt her to do this one little thing

so she takes out the trash and comes back in angry telling me that
I need to do it from now on
and I'm like

no we all need to do this

My mom is all telling me that I'm a shame and that I don't do anything
so I stood up for myself telling them what I actually do
Cuz usually I take out the trash
I do the dishes
I cut the grass
I do stuff around this house
and at that I even buy my own groceries and food
and rarely use the trashcans

they are never wrong for anything
it's always the other persons fault
everyone else is wrong

and this may seem like it's about the trash to some
but to me it's about so much more
it's about people trying to run me down into the ground
people who have been doing it for years
trying to send me on guilt trips
people who have physically, mentally, and emotionally abused me in the past
who think that they can still do those same things

I love myself too much to let this continue
even in other relationships
relationships I feared I'd never break free from
I'm starting to realize that there is freedom in Christ from
letting people walk all over me

as I learn to love myself
I learn to simply stand up for myself against the tyrants in my life
as angry as I am
it feels so good to have stood up to my mom and my sister

if the sun starts crashing and the stars fade

"If the sun burns out and the stars fade, still I have the light that You have placed inside of me. I don't have to fear. I won't be afraid. I'm going to let my light shine bright and watch the darkness fade!" -Me

lyrics for a short song I wrote a while back
I was thinking about them today
and a little bit ago I was thinking about
ministries i've been involved in, in the past

from the bands to Awana to Undone to Revelation
many different things
God has always been able to use me in these ministries
and He as been able to bless me through these ministries too

so many awesome ministry opportunities
and for some of these the sun has burned out
and the stars have faded

But I still have the light
He isn't done with me yet
I'm convinced that He has something big for me
something huge coming soon, and the only
way that I'm going to see it when it gets here
is to stay focused on ministry, and take the
opportunities He brings along to me

When I originally wrote that song I was thinking in a sense of
"If life gets hard I will still shine my light for You God."

but today gave it a new meaning for me

Ministry(living for Christ) doesn't stop when organizations fall
when bands part
or when God pulls us away from a ministry organization
God isn't done using me yet

so if the sun burns out on a ministry
or a ministry loses its splendor
I still have the light that God has given me
and told me in acts 1:8 to shine to the world

i'm not done!
I still have a purpose!

Remembering that God is for me

It's one of the hardest things to do sometimes
to feel that God is out for my good

and that He isn't out to harm me
but instead He has plans to give me a hope
and a future

Jeremiah 29:11
God declares it Himself
I don't think He was simply talking to Jeremiah when He said
"I know the plans I have for you. Plans not to harm you, but to give you a hope
and a future."

I believe that God was saying that to all of humanity

Even on days like this when i'm feeling kind of down
and honestly I know why i'm down
I threw my stock into a bad place again and it is starting to show
probably not physically or on the outside but inside i'm starting to feel it

all came about when I began to realize that I could put my stock
into the right place
When I realized that I could really treasure my stock
for the last few days . . .
I haven't treasured my stock enough to keep it out of bad places
I'm beginning to feel that in my heart

I'm reminded and encouraged by what I read in the boundaries book
and through scripture also

Scripture tells me in Philippians 1 that God isn't done fixing me yet
and in the boundaries book I'm reminded that I do have a support system
and even when I screw up once I realize that I screwed up
with help I can overcome

I'm not alone