Knowing Freedom (Abusive relationships)

After 24 years of a life of being one to jump into parasitic relationships,
I just want to say I'm feeling freedom for the first time, and it feels great!

A huge part of knowing this freedom
was understanding why I was in bondage in the first place. I spent the majority of my life growing up with abusive parasitic women. Whether it was my mom or my sister. I was emotionally, mentally, and sometimes physically abused by my mother, and was physically abused by my sister.

During times of physical abuse by my sister I was taught not to fight back. She would begin to antagonize and hit me as my parents stood by and did nothing until I fought back. Once I began to fight back my dad would usually break the fight up, and I would feel like I was wrong for defending or standing up for myself. This mentality stuck with me for a very long time. I felt like I had to live in a way that would keep them happy. That way I didn't get punished.

Eventually bad things happened and my mom ended up being out of the picture for a while. During this time I was left living with my dad and my sister. My sister, still very abusive to me at the time, would look for reasons to fight with me. My dad would still do the same thing. There were actual times where I had called my dad crying about the things my sister was doing, and he wouldn't stand up for me, so I basically felt like I couldn't stand up for myself and that nobody was willing to stand up for me.

Seeing as the types of women that I knew were abusive women when I began dating
those are the types of women I dated. It's been that way since I was 16 years old. With very few
exceptions. I felt trapped.

Even after having given my life to Christ,
this was still a part of me that hadn't been completely given up!
As time went on I did meet many women who were not like my mom or my sister
or the women that I've dated in the past. I've met many women who are stable, but
by the time that I began to realize that stable women existed all that I ever knew
or thought that I was capable of ever being with was abusive women.

This has really played a huge roll in most of the depression that I was facing
in the past six years. Eventually I ended up letting someone into my life
who really took the abuse to the next level. They would play mind games with me
,emotionally abuse me, and cry every time I tried to leave. When I left they would be really
sweet to me for a time, and the moment they knew that I was back in it was a complete change.
I just didn't know how to say no, and it made me miserable. I didn't know how to fight it. To be honest
there was a huge part of me that hated myself.

I would spend countless nights crying out to God to make the pain go away just to turn around the next day and jump right into the pain. I would kick and scream and fuss at God, but in all honesty I never really reached the hand of my heart out to take His hand. I was putting the responsibility for the fact that I was allowing myself to be used and played with on God.

About six months ago I picked up a book called "Boundaries".
When I began to read it I realized how hard of a pill this book would be to swallow.
This book told me that I was responsible for my life and what I do with it, but I wasn't responsible
for other peoples lives. All this time I'd been living to make sure not to hurt feelings, and not to lose people. I was living so much for other people that I had forgotten one simple thing. IT IS FOR FREEDOM THAT I HAVE BEEN SET FREE! All of the blaming God that I was doing was pointless. God set me free, and what I do with my freedom is my choice. If, with my freedom, I choose to live in bondage that is my choice, but Jesus came so that I might have life and have it abundant John 10:10!

I'd been believing so many lies due to holding onto the hurt of my childhood. Believing the lies of Satan himself. I believed lies that I wasn't treasurable, I believed lies that I couldn't be worthy of a good woman, and I believed lies that I'd be wrong to walk out on the people who abuse me. I believed so many more lies that God used this book to shed light onto. The enemy had me messed up! I was bamboozled! I was hoodwinked!

My friends would try to talk me out of these relationships, but I'd always give excuses because I felt like I could be the hero and change the person. I felt like I could rescue them from being who my mom is or from being who my sister is. I would say that I see the good in the person, and I'd feel like I was wrong for leaving anytime that I left. I knew I was in an abusive relationship, but I was treating like it was okay to be there.

This book pointed me back to my past. All of the things I spoke about earlier in this post and helped me realize that the past that hurt me so much really needed to be dealt with on the inside of me. I really needed to acknowledge that I was brought up incorrectly and get help fast.

It wasn't until a bad argument broke out between the girl and I that I really pursued help. In fact, I hadn't actually finished the book until then. I began really making it a point to spend time with my true friends. People who poured out into me as I poured out into them. People who are like family to me. This was the kind of help that I truly needed. People who weren't abusive to me. The more time I spent with my friends the more I felt treasured. The more time I spent reading the Bible during this time and since then, the more I realize that God treasures me. The more that I realize that I am treasured by God and by my brothers and sisters in Christ, the more I'm starting to treasure myself. Treasuring myself is new to me, so since then I have had my share of mistakes, and just like anybody there will be more to come, but I'm learning to be more careful with my pearls
and this is how I know.

Recently, after the big argument she and I had, she text me. She suddenly wanted to be friends again. I'm certain that she wanted this due to her circumstances of realizing that the other guys in her life were not good guys, but even with that in mind I allowed her back onto the property of my heart. This lasted a week. It started of all nice, sweet, and flirtatious as usual. Two weeks went by and suddenly the abusive side began to come out again and I began to see that side that just doesn't treasure me, so I let her know that we wont be talking unless we talk in person about what bothers me about her, and if from there things don't change as much as it will hurt to let someone who I poured so much into go I'm prepared to let her go.

I realize now that I'm treasurable.
I have amazing friends, and I'm loved by God Himself.
I'm starting to understand what God meant when He said
"I know both how to have a little, and I know how to have a lot. In any and all circumstances I have learned the secret of being content whether well fed or hungry, whether in abundance or in need. I am able to do all things through Him who strengthens me." Philippians 4:12-13

Even on the days when my great friends can't be there for me, 
I still am treasured by God, and I'm still being taught by Him to treasure myself. 

He is my rock and my Salvation!
I no longer have to live in bondage of abusive relationships :)

#winning