day 41: rough

One of my last blog posts talked about how I know God has plans for me
plans that wont harm me but that will provide a future
plans that may hurt me
not harm me
but hurt me

I can honestly say that tonight has sent me into a rough place
a place where I'm crying literal tears and wondering how this can be good for me
I know it is good, but I feel like it's tearing me apart

I spoke of a girl recently one who things were going good with
well the truth is that things weren't really going al that good
I wanted to believe that they were going good, but honestly
when I look deep down into things. . . they were pretty terrible

Most days i'd leave the gym feeling like a champion
only to be let down by her

yeah we had spiritual conversations and we had small moments
moments that were incredible!
moments that made me so happy!

but most of the moments were me being let down
and today . . .
today I just couldn't take it anymore
I cracked

I said words that I shouldn't have said
I didn't call her names
but the words I used to describe my feelings
were words I thought I'd left behind . . .

I felt like I was moving forward the past week in many places
but the honesty of it is that right now the both of us are stumbling blocks for one another

it sucks when you realize that kinda thing
cause you don't want to lose someone, but I have to grow
so I have to let her go
and honestly it gets really lonely here
and when it gets lonely my mind doesn't revert to
call up your homeboys lately
my mind reverts to call her . . .

idk what's going on with me
i don't like it

I don't like it at all

I'm trying to stay focused on God

I'm scared that i've lost her for good
and for some reason my mind, but not my heart right now
knows that God either has a better her for a better me
or a better me for a better woman

I just wish I felt that way right now, but I don't
I feel

heartbroken
alone
scared

things right now are just rough...